The room was hot. I was tired. Cranky. Grumpy. I’ve been doing Bikram yoga on and off for the last 7 years. I attribute the on and off part to drinking. It’s 105 degrees in the hot room and it’s a 90 minute class. A lot of sweat happens. If you’re not properly hydrated you’ll find yourself with a screaming headache and nausea so bad you’ll question if you’re pregnant, even if you’re a man. I’ve been going consistently since I quit drinking and have seen amazing results. No headaches. No nausea. Just feel good stuff. It’s my new haven. It’s 90 minutes of my evening that I would have spent drinking but now spend doing something to help myself. I’ve been downright giddy attending class fully hydrated and ready to sweat away the day.
But yesterday. Yesterday was different.
I flat out didn’t wanna go.
I almost turned around 5 different times on my way there. What kept me going was the faith I had that this feeling would pass. I’d likely have a kick ass class and feel amazing after. Well folks, that’s not what happened. I was utterly distracted by my continued lack of enthusiasm. If I was supposed to stretch my left leg, I stretched my right. If was supposed to be in one pose, I was in a totally different one altogether. A lot of sighing and eye rolling! I pretty much created my own half ass, “whateverrrrrr “attitude class. Yet, something happened. The class ended and I made it through. I laid on my mat in the dark hot room and thought about the woman in class who wouldn’t listen to any direction the instructor gave. I thought about the super hippy chick that snapped at the instructor for telling her she had to stay on her mat and couldn’t just wander around the room aimlessly (those crazy hippies). It made me laugh. Suddenly I was thankful I went. If not for myself, for the memory of these two goofy women doing whatever they wanted in what should be a regimented class. I suddenly felt like I wasn’t alone with my hopelessly chaotic mind that refused to shut down and just be.
Being sober is like that for me. It’s opened my mind to just staying with the uneasiness and finding out what happens. It means moving forward and having faith that it’ll be okay. It means keeping my commitment to stop the broken record of excuses. What’s on the other side of that hill that I’ve spent years trying to climb but kept giving up? Is there someone or something along the way I’ll miss if I chose to “sit this one out”? I don’t want to hide from anything. I’m so curious about this whole process and what it has the potential to mean to me. There’s going to be days that “I don’t wanna…”. Those are the days that I want to recognize and let my energy to be and do more kick into overdrive. And if it doesn’t, then put it in neutral and keep my eyes peeled for something new. Even if it’s just this….