It was loud. Real loud. The details are fuzzy but I distinctly remember doing a line of cocaine. I shot it back with some sort of really strong drink and lit a cigarette. I was with people I knew but nobody that I particularly cared for. Why was I doing this? Who’s this man I’m talking to? I’m squinting and the room seems hazy but maybe it’s all the cigarette smoke?
I woke the next morning with the same people. They were telling me how fun I was last night. They told me I should definitely consider hooking up with that guy on a regular basis. They had never seen me so happy! I had no idea what they were talking about. What guy? Where am I? I tried to tell them I’m happily married and they must be mistaken. I would never cheat on my husband. They laughed and were positively stating I was happy last night. I told them I’ve made a big mistake. I need to go home. This isn’t me. They insisted this was me. This is my happy. I was getting frustrated and my stomach was turning. Why were they so insistent on telling me what makes me happy? I’m mortified. Did anyone I know see me? Who is this man? God, is it someone I know? Is it someone my husband knows? My head is spinning. This isn’t me, this isn’t me, this isn’t me…..
I woke up in cold sweat. Thankful it was just a dream but wondering why I had even dreamt it. What stuck with me most was how insistent these people were that I was happy. It got me thinking about how the people we surround ourselves with will dictate our happiness. Deep, right? I thought so too. I haven’t been around a lot of people since I’ve stopped drinking but my happiness and general wellbeing is better than it has been. Ever. The people I do share my time with bring me much joy and happiness. My happiness has reached new depths. Everything has more meaning. Anyway, it was just a dream. I’m thankful I won’t ever be in a position where I have to wake up the next morning hearing about how fun I was; while inside I’m cringing and hoping I haven’t flushed all my decency and moral code down a toilet. Again.