So, round about day 120 I was feeling pretty messed up. Nothing I could peg really. My self convo went a bit like this:
“I feel ….what’s the word? Blasé? I hate that word.”
“Why did I spend so much on that camera? I don’t even use it.”
“Why does my dog keep throwing his toy on the floor and then stare at me? Honestly dog. Not now….”
“God you’re annoying.”
“Tired of that song. This one sucks, I don’t know why I ever liked it. I’ll try a the new hits station and see what kids are listening to these days. Omg, bad idea. What is wrong with music? Was any of it ever any good?”
You catch my drift here. I lost my mojo. All my vim, vigor and vitality about being sober shrunk up into a stinking pile of stink. I contemplated boozing it up for a week just to remind myself about how shitty it all was and then I could rebound and feel amazed again. Don’t worry, I didn’t do it. I realized that all the feelings I had when I was drinking were starting to creep back in. My old habits started creeping back in. Sleeping in late. Ignoring my responsibilities. Feeling bad about sleeping in late and ignoring my responsibilities. Guess what? I was depressed. I was in the throws of a full out fucking depression. Son of a bitch! And I never swear. But holy shit.
So what did I do? I thought about it. I realized that I didn’t really lose any friends when I quit drinking. I never had any friends! I had people I knew and hung out with once or twice a year. But not friends. So, ya. That’s pretty shitty right? Then, I got out my shovel and went deeper. I don’t have any friends because I don’t like my life and I don’t want anyone taking a peek at my life. Is that bummer city, or what? So now, now I’m getting out my rototiller and I’m tearing shit up. What do we have here? Well, I actually do like my life now. Sober. I would like someone to take a peek. I’ve made a lot of progress emotionally in 120 days and I don’t want to go back to square one. I’m depressed because I’ve realized I’m a social butterfly with no social life. I created that by being introvert, keeping everyone in my life at arms distance, and making alcohol my very best friend. It’s on me to grow out of this spot. I’ve worked a lot on the inside and around me. Now it’s time to take the next step and start sharing it with people. I might creep someone people out by trying to initiate new friendships. Kind of an awkward thing, isn’t it? Always has been. Even in school when it was normal to try and build friendships. Anyway, I can do this. I don’t want my life centered around my home, job, and family. I’m ready to expand. I want friends goddamit. Friends I shall have! Wish me luck on my journey. I’ll be sure to pack lots of snacks. I have a feeling it’ll be a long one (that’s what she said).