It’s time. I’m going to an AA meeting tonight. A few things happened to bring me to this point. To start it’s just been on my mind for a while. But, my total mental breakdown and the realization that I have detachment/escape issues helped me understand that I really need support in staying sober and re-learning how to cope. I dropped my coping mechanism. And while I’ve found great benefit in yoga it’s not helping me cope. It’s helping me escape in a way because I can totally disappear from my life for 90 minutes a day. That’s fine as long as I’m dealing with stuff outside the yoga room and I’m just not. The other day I was in yoga, laying on my mat (like you do) and I thought to my higher power that I feel really alone in my sobriety. I have support thankfully from friends and family but nobody I know is sober. Right after that, I mean RIGHT after, the instructor said “I’m an alcoholic and this yoga has helped me learn the importance of self love and taking care of myself.” Woah. After class we were talking about it and she said, “I’ve never said that out loud before. I don’t know what made me say it. I guess maybe just the intimacy of the room at that moment.” Double woah.
Yesterday, before class I was talking to a different instructor and she started talking about how she’s been dating this guy for a while who’s on the same plane with her on how to cope with life and look inward, etc. I hadn’t said a word about my sobriety journey or that I was in the throws of a breakdown. And she said “He’s an alcoholic. He’s been sober for 13 years and still attends AA meetings.” She went on to say that she was never much of a drinker but he’s had an influence on her, and that she’s been surprised to find that a lot of yogis in the community are sober. So random.
So, here I am all bundled up with nerves and definitely going to take that step to the 12 step tonight. I am very nervous. What if I’m not alcoholic enough, do you know what I mean? I have no idea what to expect. People are people at the end of the day. Will I be accepted? What if they ask me questions? I’m not good on the spot at all. It takes me 12 light years to process a question and answer it. I’m sweating. Or lord, I’m sweating. Okay. Whew, breathe. I’m going to go for a walk and get some air. Wish me luck guys!!
Okay, so the thing about sobriety is you see clearly how many years you spend with your head in the sand and the consequence of that action. I’m currently in a situation that I can’t change for another 7-8 months. At that time we’ll be selling our home and moving (thank god) but until then, this is it. I am really struggling with this and that is super hard for me to admit because I’m used to being the one that encourages everyone to keep one foot in front of the other. Lately though, I feel like I’m just unraveling everywhere. I’m thankful to be sober and at the same time I have this thought “Since you can’t change anything for 7-8 months you can just drink until then.” But that’s not what I want. Yoga has become my haven and I’m thankful for that too. I am scared though. Scared of these feelings. Scared I’ll just pick up and run. Scared I’ll give up and just start drinking and taking pills. Scared I’ll run and leave everyone behind and end up alone with nothing. I’ve done that in the past. I’ve ran so much and ended up so alone. I’m loaded with fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. I don’t even know who I am in this new skin but I know I don’t like where I am. Ironically, the only thing I have going for me right now is my sobriety. Or at least that’s what this all feels like. Then I worry that I’m being militant about this. I’m trying too hard to push through, be positive, and hang on. This kind of tension leads to breaks. And I feel like I’m having a total breakdown. My fear typically manifests into rage and self destruction. I’m want so much to try loving through this hard time. Self love. Love for others. Or at least just be comfortable being. And yet I feel so detached from myself and everyone around me that it’s scary. It’s like my default reaction is kicking in and I’m trying to fight against my own nature to escape. I know I’m blaming everyone around me for this mess. Everyone should be pulling their weight and doing their part. If they had we wouldn’t be in this mess. It can’t just be me. I feel it. That self righteous feeling. That “it’s not fair” point of view that oddly enough angers me when I see it in others.
This stuff is hard and real. I much prefer to keep things light and funny. But it’s not possible to be that way all the time. Maybe I just need to accept that. Yin and Yang. Life. Ugh. I’ll be okay. I needed to get that off my chest and see it, read it. It helps.