Scared. Fear. Scary fear.

Okay, so the thing about sobriety is you see clearly how many years you spend with your head in the sand and the consequence of that action. I’m currently in a situation that I can’t change for another 7-8 months. At that time we’ll be selling our home and moving (thank god) but until then, this is it. I am really struggling with this and that is super hard for me to admit because I’m used to being the one that encourages everyone to keep one foot in front of the other. Lately though, I feel like I’m just unraveling everywhere. I’m thankful to be sober and at the same time I have this thought “Since you can’t change anything for 7-8 months you can just drink until then.” But that’s not what I want. Yoga has become my haven and I’m thankful for that too. I am scared though. Scared of these feelings. Scared I’ll just pick up and run. Scared I’ll give up and just start drinking and taking pills. Scared I’ll run and leave everyone behind and end up alone with nothing. I’ve done that in the past. I’ve ran so much and ended up so alone. I’m loaded with fear.  Fear. Fear. Fear. I don’t even know who I am in this new skin but I know I don’t like where I am. Ironically, the only thing I have going for me right now is my sobriety. Or at least that’s what this all feels like. Then I worry that I’m being militant about this. I’m trying too hard to push through, be positive, and hang on. This kind of tension leads to breaks. And I feel like I’m having a total breakdown. My fear typically manifests into rage and self destruction. I’m want so much to try loving through this hard time. Self love. Love for others. Or at least just be comfortable being. And yet I feel so detached from myself and everyone around me that it’s scary. It’s like my default reaction is kicking in and I’m trying to fight against my own nature to escape. I know I’m blaming everyone around me for this mess. Everyone should be pulling their weight and doing their part. If they had we wouldn’t be in this mess. It can’t just be me. I feel it. That self righteous feeling. That “it’s not fair” point of view that oddly enough angers me when I see it in others.

This stuff is hard and real. I much prefer to keep things light and funny. But it’s not possible to be that way all the time. Maybe I just need to accept that. Yin and Yang. Life. Ugh. I’ll be okay. I needed to get that off my chest and see it, read it. It helps.

 

 

 

 

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9 comments

  1. feelingmywaybackintolife · August 3, 2016

    Ooh honey, I hear you. What you are describing sounds tough but I think you are doing GREAT! Straight from the heart, from the worried soul onto the paper. Good! Constant vigilance = good! Honesty about how you really feel eventhough you would prefer it to be different = good!

    What you write sounds sooooo recognisable that it is almost scary. 🙂 Herewith my reaction to your post, hope it helps a little: My therapist once said “Addicts want to ‘get out’, they just take the wrong door”. With which he referred to the need of people to transcend this ordinairy life and feel free of the limitations of body, time and place. Addicts do so by using substances or practising numbing or exciting habits. When reading what you write it is my idea that you are struggling with this spiritual issue of realising that you are a human and bound by your body to this earth and time, to what is happening in your life and you not being able to influence it. That can give a tremendous feeling of being restrained, being emprissoned. What to do? I’m no star in this but this sometimes helps me: Trying to realise ‘Hey, so, I notice I find this part of being human very difficult. I experience the restriction of it as very difficult and the emotions run so high that they overwhelm me. Wow, this is uncomfortable. Pfew, happy that I do not drink anymore; that would make everything even worst. I notice that I still want to (self) destruct in difficult situations. This must be learned behaviour. Let me see what I can do to unlearn that? What would a woman/men who loves her/himself do? In my situation I would think she would cry, have some tea, watch some Netflix and go to bed early. Or possibly call a trusted friend and speak about stuff.

    You write: ‘I’m trying too hard to push through, be positive, and hang on. This kind of tension leads to breaks. And I feel like I’m having a total breakdown.’ To me it reeds that you do indeed push on to breaking point, not sure how but it seems that you have this high standard of how to behave like you write: ‘ I want so much to try loving through this hard time.’ I can imagine that you do, but you cannot hate yourself happy, neither can you force yourself to be relaxed.

    What about; ‘I really want to love myself, and I think that would be the right way to approach this, I think I am in need of love, but I can not find it in myself now because I am overwhelmed and that hurts. The only thing I feel is pain right now and that is horrible. Also: if that is what it is, it is what it is. Maybe I can not find love within myself, but I can allow myself to be what I am; hurt, overwhelmed, scared, maybe dissapointed. By accepting that these emotions are there, you can maybe get an inkling of what self-loving action you can take to take care of you. Accepting what is, is self love in itself. ❤ Thing might be: it does not feel like over the top healing, it just feels as it is. Which is where I would like to quote "In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. – Robert Green Ingersoll."

    As people with an addictive personality we (i!) seem to have, somehow learned that everything is black or white, good or evil, fun or painful. Also, we (i!) have learned that we could manage our emotions by drinking them away. With that we did quick emotion control. I think that well, boldy put: looking for instant self love to 'fix' what is going on is part of the behaviour that mimicks that black and white thinking and well, obviously the looking for the fix. This is tough stuff to deal with. Unaddicting takes some time. And luckily you have that and you are doing wonderful! 🙂

    Hope my musings help you a bit.
    xx, Feeling

    Like

    • truthbetold1111 · August 3, 2016

      I keep reading this in pieces because it all hits so close to home that I start crying. Pretty good for someone who has always fancied herself a non-cryer. I can’t thank you enough. I think you are a star at this. You saved my day. And maybe even my sanity. Bless you. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      • ainsobriety · August 3, 2016

        Feeling put this so well. Keep your head out of the sand. It eventually feels right.

        Anne

        Liked by 1 person

      • truthbetold1111 · August 3, 2016

        I sure hope so. And I intend to keep my head out of the sand no matter how scary. Thank you. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. truthbetold1111 · August 3, 2016

    I’m really glad I posted my feelings (nearly hit delete) and I’m moved by what you wrote. I’m going to keep this and refer back to it. It’s a lot for me to take in but in a good way. All stuff that I needed. Truly. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lily 🌷 · August 3, 2016

    What a very moving , real, honest post – and a reply that really resonates with me too. Im finding it tough too right now, but I feel less alone after reading your posts . Thank you. Lily 🌷x

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · August 3, 2016

      Your reply makes me feel less alone. 🙂 And is that not the best reply ever? So helpful. I’m heading into yoga. Self love. A concept I hope to gently get my arms around. Xo

      Like

  4. Quitter · August 4, 2016

    TBT hang on! I don’t know what to say except no improvement will come from drinking, which I know you already know. And you’re not alone! This morning I was in my office crying (literally) (& im not a crier…mostly…least not b4 sobriety) about the unfairness of this work thing I’m dealing with right now. I told my husband I was going to quit my job n go home n get back in bed. I didn’t. But I wanted to (real damn bad) and I wanted to ESCAPE the intensity and unfairness of today too. So I feel u. Let’s hang on together for a bit longer n see what develops. It is likely to be an improvement given the low point from which we started.

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · August 4, 2016

      I will most definitely hang in there with you, my friend. Thank you. It means a lot. I’m glad you got through your day and didn’t give up or escape. It’s such an intense force some days. I went to yoga instead of the bar and am happy to say I’ll be going to bed sober. Here’s to making it through! ☕️☕️ xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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