Okay, so the thing about sobriety is you see clearly how many years you spend with your head in the sand and the consequence of that action. I’m currently in a situation that I can’t change for another 7-8 months. At that time we’ll be selling our home and moving (thank god) but until then, this is it. I am really struggling with this and that is super hard for me to admit because I’m used to being the one that encourages everyone to keep one foot in front of the other. Lately though, I feel like I’m just unraveling everywhere. I’m thankful to be sober and at the same time I have this thought “Since you can’t change anything for 7-8 months you can just drink until then.” But that’s not what I want. Yoga has become my haven and I’m thankful for that too. I am scared though. Scared of these feelings. Scared I’ll just pick up and run. Scared I’ll give up and just start drinking and taking pills. Scared I’ll run and leave everyone behind and end up alone with nothing. I’ve done that in the past. I’ve ran so much and ended up so alone. I’m loaded with fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. I don’t even know who I am in this new skin but I know I don’t like where I am. Ironically, the only thing I have going for me right now is my sobriety. Or at least that’s what this all feels like. Then I worry that I’m being militant about this. I’m trying too hard to push through, be positive, and hang on. This kind of tension leads to breaks. And I feel like I’m having a total breakdown. My fear typically manifests into rage and self destruction. I’m want so much to try loving through this hard time. Self love. Love for others. Or at least just be comfortable being. And yet I feel so detached from myself and everyone around me that it’s scary. It’s like my default reaction is kicking in and I’m trying to fight against my own nature to escape. I know I’m blaming everyone around me for this mess. Everyone should be pulling their weight and doing their part. If they had we wouldn’t be in this mess. It can’t just be me. I feel it. That self righteous feeling. That “it’s not fair” point of view that oddly enough angers me when I see it in others.
This stuff is hard and real. I much prefer to keep things light and funny. But it’s not possible to be that way all the time. Maybe I just need to accept that. Yin and Yang. Life. Ugh. I’ll be okay. I needed to get that off my chest and see it, read it. It helps.