Aggravated and Annoyed

I’m officially annoyed. This is day 3 of restless sleep. The last few days I’ve been struggling to keep my peace about me. My mind is wandering all over the place. Trying to do any one task in a productive manner is like trying to herd cats. I’m aggravated. Yesterday someone at work called me out on a couple mistakes I made on a project. I was livid. How dare she? I bet she thinks her shit doesn’t stink. Isn’t that just so typical of people in that department? They have no personality and think everyone should be perfect. I bet she’s going to talk to her boss about me.  Then it hit me that most of the things I was annoyed with her about are traits I’m working on for myself and LORD that annoyed me even more. Must I psychoanalyze everything?!

The two days prior my husband and I spent discussing issues that popped up back home during the holidays surrounding two family members. Issues that we were very thankful not to be around physically, but at the same time got pulled into via phone conversations. We went over the stories that were told to us and spent days analyzing them to death. Isn’t it so typical of x. X never changes. I remember one time when x did something similar. Remember that? Or the one time when such and such happened. At the end of yesterday we looked at each other, drained from the smelly shit we allowed ourselves to sit in for the last 48 hours, and agreed not to discuss it the following day. Well, we woke up yesterday morning talking about it all over again. We stopped before it got out of hand but it lingered. All of it. It’s like we argued for 2 days and a morning. Only, we weren’t arguing. We were discussing other peoples destructive behaviors and actions. Ya know, getting worked up over other peoples transgressions has the intensity of an argument. The same physical response happens. The raised voice. The racing heartbeat. The outpouring of impulsive comments. Who will get their point across first? There’s nothing calm and organized about discussing how someone else fucked up, again.

I think the answer here is to truly just not go there when the topic of these people comes up again. Even if it means total silence. Even if it means admitting I can’t handle that right now. I’ll take total silence over petting the beast.

 

 

 

 

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Creative Writing

My thoughts have been consumed with negativity the last couple days and this helped me focus on something other than those thoughts. I didn’t want to meditate about it. I didn’t want to psychoanalyze it. I finding that at times those things actually compound my problem. So I thought I’d give some creative writing a try. I found a couple websites with creative writing exercises.

http://writetodone.com/10-best-creative-writing-exercises/

http://thinkwritten.com/365-creative-writing-prompts/

The second one offers an exercise for every day of the year which I thought was pretty cool. I thought I’d share what I came up with.

1. Outside the window – describe the weather outside:

The weather outside is seasonally fresh and crisp. A well timed gust of wind pushes through the steady air with the force of a commuter train. It shoves its way past deeply rooted trees, disturbing their otherwise sleeping leaves.

2.  7>7>7 : Find the 7th book from the bookshelf. Open it to page 7. Look at the 7th sentence on the page. Begin a poem that starts with that sentence and limit the length to 7 lines.

Color does not work that way. You cannot make

BRIGHT RED

Look gray. Why would you want to anyway?

 

I’m adding this exercise to my sober toolbox. It’s a great way to redirect my mind off whatever is nagging me.

 

 

 

Taking the pressure off

I had a Christmas Eve meltdown. Which threw me for a loop because this year there wasn’t any pressure to do much but go to my brothers. He drinks but he’s not the kind of drinker that cares if I do or don’t drink. His wife doesn’t drink much. She might be the first real “normie” I’ve ever met. She enjoys one glass of whiskey once a month. Is that crazy or what? She must have superpowers. Anyway, I’ve been doing surprisingly well with my sobriety this time around. I’m not sure why. The anxiety of “but what will others think” has been gone. The scenario game isn’t playing in my mind. The one where I ask myself  “what about holidays? special occasions? vacations?”. It’s almost eerily comfortable this time around. I’m not overly enthusiastic and trying to be everyone’s cheerleader. I’m not obsessively pissed off at the alcohol industry. I don’t want to throat punch every person that drinks. Just calm. I take time every single day to enjoy this feeling because it can be an allusive one, I know that. I know that because Christmas Eve those feelings of panic and anxiety crept back. The fear that I wouldn’t get my calm footing back made me feel more panicked. I was mean. I was beating myself up for how I looked. My inner voice was tearing up my husband for how he looked. My dog even looked like he needed a bath. Suddenly everything in my world looked like it wasn’t right. I criticized myself for leaving dishes in the sink, spills on the oven top, crumbs on the counter. I remembered that this is what I had done in prior sober attempts. I made sure sober me  was perfect. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things just right. That pressure caused a lot of anxiety. It also  created a scapegoat for falling back into drinking. “See, sobriety isn’t working and it sucks anyway. May as well drink”.

I didn’t drink. I got home and wrote out all my feelings, determined not to let this anxiety feeling settle in. Alcohol is extremely addictive and crafty, isn’t it? It knows what hot buttons to push. The conclusion I came to that night was that it was my first weekend not binge drinking so my brain was craving booze and acting like a jerk. I also realized that I don’t have to buy into it. If I have a panic attack about not drinking, the thought process that actually helped me that night before bed was “I didn’t just quit drinking. I made a decision to take care of myself in the most loving way possible.” I took a moment to think about all the changes I’ve been making and it really is a lifestyle change. I’m paying attention to the things I tell myself, allowing myself to indulge in some chocolate and hot cocoa (with REAL milk and chocolate syrup), going for fresh air  walks and not putting pressure to go to a 90 min. yoga class 4 times a week. All of these things dissolve those feelings of not being good enough, which is what I really struggle with. The goal is no longer to be perfect. The goal isn’t to be superwoman. The goal isn’t to be motivator or a cheerleader, although I do like pom poms. 🙂 The goal isn’t to keep my home so clean that it feels like a museum.  The goal is to take all the pressure off and just love myself unconditionally, love the people in my life unconditionally,  and enjoy where I am in life right now. I dunno, I kinda like that goal.

Old Letter, Same Message

I found a letter I wrote myself a few years back. I was asking myself to stop drinking. I was tired of living my life in a haze, tired of being tired, tired of missing out on life because my priority was booze. Here I am all these years later and its the same conversation. When I found the letter I felt frustrated and angry. WTH am I still struggling with this? Why won’t I let this go when it’s so clearly what I want and need.

A friend of mine is having problems in her marriage. For three years she has talked about leaving him. It’s not an abusive relationship but she feels like the love is gone. Yet she can’t bring herself to leave. She’s waiting for that honeymoon romantic love to come back again. Another friend of mine has been talking about wanting to change her diet for years. She has a medical condition and her diet needs to change if she’s ever going to get better. She’s having a hard time letting go though. She’s waiting for her doctor to tell her that something miraculous has changed with her health and she’s free to eat whatever she wants.

When I think of my friends and see how they too struggle, I don’t feel so frustrated with myself. I see that this is normal. We all do it to one extent or another. The last time I drank I believe I gave myself alcohol poisoning. Maybe I did it on purpose. Maybe I wanted to make myself so sick from it that I would never touch it again. So far, mission accomplished.  I want to write new letter to myself and I hope I find it years from now. A message that says I’ve quit drinking. I’ve given myself my life and freedom back. I know I’ll have new things that I’ll struggle with, but this, this won’t be one of them anymore.

 

A little breath of fresh air

I got up early today. I started work early so I could get a jump start on the day. Also, starting early means I can take a few extra breaks throughout the day. I used those breaks to go for a couple good walks. I haven’t been exercising at all and my new fitness band is there to remind me , every hour, that I’m not moving. You can’t argue with numbers. Yesterday it said I could earn 1000 points for walking an hour and a half or doing 45 minutes of cardio. I earned 2 points. 2. So fine, message received. I got my hiney walking today and hit the 1000 point goal. It was actually really nice to get the fresh air. I’m not a big cardio person. You’ll never see me run. In fact, I actually break out in hives when I run. I thank God for little blessings. Anyway, the neighborhood is lit up with Christmas decorations. I saw people raking leaves, children playing outside, little ankle biter dogs barking at the front doors of homes. It was nice. Since I started working from home I’ve lost a lot of social time. Even though I wasn’t talking with these people I saw it was nice just to make eye contact and smile with someone. My eyes got to see more than the inside of my home and the computer screen.

Day 3 is it?

Sleeping on it.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. My mind raced with ideas of what sober me would to today. I was going to get up early and clean the downstairs, organize a closet, start work a little early, be showered and ready for the day (I work from home so that’s a real feat in and of itself) and blog. I’d like to write every day for a while even if it’s meaningless jibber. Before I knew it was past midnight and I was realizing that my morning energy would be nil if I didn’t get to sleep soon. I somehow managed to fall asleep. I tossed and turned a bit throughout the night. My alarm went off excessively early and I hit my snooze. Actually, I turned it off completely and woke up later than I wanted. Not late, but not early enough to tackle my grandiose list. As I sit here with my coffee I wonder why it was important to try and do so much outside of what I normally do. Am I trying to prove sobriety is better? Am I trying to prove that sober me is much more productive, energetic, and organized? Is the side of me that sleeps in, hits the snooze, rolls out of bed haphazardly and shuffles around a snails pace unacceptable? Or only acceptable when I’ve been drinking?

I did this last time I quit. I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to be better. Recreate a different persona. One that was far removed from the me that drank alcohol. I think this time around I’m going to take it easier on myself which isn’t easy for me. I do want to relax into this and see what person emerges. Not who I think should emerge, but who truly emerges. Maybe it’ll be the same ol me that sleeps in and is totally disorganized. Maybe that’s okay.

 

I’m a binge drinker. Day 2.

There, I said it. As tears well up in my eyes I am overwhelmed with feelings of disappointment, grief, resentment, and I’m sure I could explain my feelings better if this brain of mine wasn’t fogged over from a wretched hangover. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ve been lying with my writing. Lying to myself. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I want to start this all fresh. No more lies. No more trying to be something I not. I know where I want to be. I know who I want to be. Today, though, I’m starting with being nobody and working myself out from there. That’s what I need to do. I did do 6 months of sobriety.  The space between then and now grows with each passing day. It hurts. I went from being a daily drinker, to a non drinker, to a binge drinker on the weekends. I told myself I could have it both ways. I could be good all week, take care of myself, and then let it all hang out on the weekends. Letting it all hang out means spending time drinking while longing for sobriety, writing notes to myself about how this isn’t working and I don’t enjoy it. Nursing hangovers on Sunday and wishing I was taking full advantage of my weekends and not tossing them away in a bottle. It feels so bipolar. Friday night I was totally sober and had my 7 year old niece over for her very first sleepover. It was so much fun. Saturday I started drinking and didn’t stop. I spent yesterday curled up in ball and still feel like I want to lay around not move. When did I become such a lush? I read in someone’s blog recently that when you go back to drinking you don’t start over. You pick up where you left off. That’s exactly what I’ve done. I went from being someone who drank a “controlled” amount every night for years to someone who is sober all week and gets bombed on the weekends. I used to hate being drunk. Now I spend my weekends in hazy stupor and I’m not enjoying it one bit. I’ve come to realize that drinking daily is simply not an option. Binge drinking like this is totally out of the question. I can’t keep on. It’s fair to say I’m officially tried every way to possible to fit drinking into my life and it’s not working. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t. The mental game alone is exhausting.

So I give. Here I am. Day two. It feels like day zero because I swear I’m still hungover from Saturday. Gross. I need this blog. I need to write. I need to be honest and raw. And I need you. Whoever  you are. My other friends that are on this journey. Sobriety can be such a wonderfully lonely place. I’m hoping I can do it again, only with more truth, more vulnerability, and more balance. I want it more than anything.

 

~ With Humbleness and Humility

 

My eyes were leaking and so were yours.

I’m a facts kind of a gal. I like to dig into the who, what, how, where, when and why about everything from the food I eat to the reason green clashes with my skin tone. For the life of me, I find it nearly impossible to find any articles on sobriety that tote the true health benefits of it and how. *Cough* Big alcohol strikes again.

Ya, sure, okay there are Cosmo and Elle articles that say you shouldn’t drink a bottle of wine a night because your waistline will grow. I’m not talking about those. I mean articles that are easy to read and understand that explain why people are so much happier and prettier sober. Not medical journals from http://www.ifyoupassedchemistryyoumightunderstandthis.com. Just easy to read articles on why. So, my friends, I have taken little pieces here and there that I have found along the way and complied them for you here. Let’s start with the vain stuff since we’re all vain at heart. “You’re so vain. I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you? Don’t youuuuu?”.

Q: Why are the whites of my eyes so bright? Visine can’t even touch this.

Alcohol dilates the small veins in your eyes causing them to leak. It also inflames the hell out of blood vessels in your eyes so they expand and are easier for everyone to see. I don’t know about you guys, but leaky eye balls should be on the warning label of every alcohol container.

Q: Why is my skin tone so much more even?

Alcohol makes it so that your poor brain loses control over its ability to regulate vascular function. It basically says “I can’t worry about your blood flow right know, I need to get this poison out of your blood”. Next thing you know, you have a rush of blood hit your face and neck and you look like a lovely red tomato. Who doesn’t like that look? *Raises hand* I don’t.

Why was my face so fat when I drank? My head looked ten times bigger than my body.

Your body knows when you’re dehydrated. When you show signs of dehydration your body makes it so you don’t pee. It wants to hold on to all the fluid it can, right? Well, alcohol not only makes it so that your body can’t tell if you’re dehydrated but it also makes you pee…a lot. As a result, the tissues in your face swell as they beg for mercy. Voila! Fat face.

Alright folks, that’s it for this evening. Rest well knowing your eyes are no longer leaking, your blood is flowing at it’s maximum potential, and the tissues in your face are soft and peaceful.

~ Namaste bitches!