I’m officially annoyed. This is day 3 of restless sleep. The last few days I’ve been struggling to keep my peace about me. My mind is wandering all over the place. Trying to do any one task in a productive manner is like trying to herd cats. I’m aggravated. Yesterday someone at work called me out on a couple mistakes I made on a project. I was livid. How dare she? I bet she thinks her shit doesn’t stink. Isn’t that just so typical of people in that department? They have no personality and think everyone should be perfect. I bet she’s going to talk to her boss about me. Then it hit me that most of the things I was annoyed with her about are traits I’m working on for myself and LORD that annoyed me even more. Must I psychoanalyze everything?!
The two days prior my husband and I spent discussing issues that popped up back home during the holidays surrounding two family members. Issues that we were very thankful not to be around physically, but at the same time got pulled into via phone conversations. We went over the stories that were told to us and spent days analyzing them to death. Isn’t it so typical of x. X never changes. I remember one time when x did something similar. Remember that? Or the one time when such and such happened. At the end of yesterday we looked at each other, drained from the smelly shit we allowed ourselves to sit in for the last 48 hours, and agreed not to discuss it the following day. Well, we woke up yesterday morning talking about it all over again. We stopped before it got out of hand but it lingered. All of it. It’s like we argued for 2 days and a morning. Only, we weren’t arguing. We were discussing other peoples destructive behaviors and actions. Ya know, getting worked up over other peoples transgressions has the intensity of an argument. The same physical response happens. The raised voice. The racing heartbeat. The outpouring of impulsive comments. Who will get their point across first? There’s nothing calm and organized about discussing how someone else fucked up, again.
I think the answer here is to truly just not go there when the topic of these people comes up again. Even if it means total silence. Even if it means admitting I can’t handle that right now. I’ll take total silence over petting the beast.