I’m a binge drinker. Day 2.

There, I said it. As tears well up in my eyes I am overwhelmed with feelings of disappointment, grief, resentment, and I’m sure I could explain my feelings better if this brain of mine wasn’t fogged over from a wretched hangover. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ve been lying with my writing. Lying to myself. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I want to start this all fresh. No more lies. No more trying to be something I not. I know where I want to be. I know who I want to be. Today, though, I’m starting with being nobody and working myself out from there. That’s what I need to do. I did do 6 months of sobriety.  The space between then and now grows with each passing day. It hurts. I went from being a daily drinker, to a non drinker, to a binge drinker on the weekends. I told myself I could have it both ways. I could be good all week, take care of myself, and then let it all hang out on the weekends. Letting it all hang out means spending time drinking while longing for sobriety, writing notes to myself about how this isn’t working and I don’t enjoy it. Nursing hangovers on Sunday and wishing I was taking full advantage of my weekends and not tossing them away in a bottle. It feels so bipolar. Friday night I was totally sober and had my 7 year old niece over for her very first sleepover. It was so much fun. Saturday I started drinking and didn’t stop. I spent yesterday curled up in ball and still feel like I want to lay around not move. When did I become such a lush? I read in someone’s blog recently that when you go back to drinking you don’t start over. You pick up where you left off. That’s exactly what I’ve done. I went from being someone who drank a “controlled” amount every night for years to someone who is sober all week and gets bombed on the weekends. I used to hate being drunk. Now I spend my weekends in hazy stupor and I’m not enjoying it one bit. I’ve come to realize that drinking daily is simply not an option. Binge drinking like this is totally out of the question. I can’t keep on. It’s fair to say I’m officially tried every way to possible to fit drinking into my life and it’s not working. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t. The mental game alone is exhausting.

So I give. Here I am. Day two. It feels like day zero because I swear I’m still hungover from Saturday. Gross. I need this blog. I need to write. I need to be honest and raw. And I need you. Whoever  you are. My other friends that are on this journey. Sobriety can be such a wonderfully lonely place. I’m hoping I can do it again, only with more truth, more vulnerability, and more balance. I want it more than anything.

 

~ With Humbleness and Humility

 

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20 comments

  1. onebottleoneglass · December 19

    You’re here, and I am so proud that you are. Being done with drinking starts now. It can restart, and you CAN do it. My (sober) sister and I were just talking about this last night, about false starts and do-overs, and how we both tried for so long to make drinking work. It’s not an easy thing until….until it it just is! Put this experience in your sober bank, thank yourself for the lesson, and go forward with it. Because now you know (and dammit, it’s a hard lesson to learn) that you can’t really moderate, or fit it into your life. You’re here, and I am so glad. Don’t dwell or loathe, just remember and slay sobriety from this day forward.

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 19

      Thank you so much. I think for the first time I’m ready to take this one day at a time. Xo

      Like

  2. onebottleoneglass · December 19

    I set my end-sobriety date to “the day I have proof it will improve my life”. So far, there’s no end date in sight!

    Liked by 3 people

    • truthbetold1111 · December 19

      That’s a really great way to look at it! I’m adding that to my “stay sober” tip list.

      Like

  3. shehidbehindtheglass · December 19

    ❤ So glad that you're here, and writing it out. It does us so much good to write it out! One day at a time (or hour, or minute, or whatever you need to do), and one foot in front of the other. Do you have a sober "toolkit"?

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 19

      Thank you. Yes, it really is I think hour to hour at this point. Possibly minute to minute. What’s a sober toolkit?

      Liked by 1 person

      • shehidbehindtheglass · December 19

        “Tools” to have on hand to help out when you have cravings or crazy emotions to deal with. These can be favourite sweets, different types of tea or favourite non alcoholic drinks, dvds, music, bubble bath, anything! Anything that gives you something to focus on and take your mind off your craving or urge to drink. Here’s a good article on what it is and different things to have on hand or use: http://www.hipsobriety.com/home/2015/10/20/how-to-build-a-sobriety-toolbox

        Liked by 1 person

      • truthbetold1111 · December 19

        What a great idea. Thank you for sharing that. I have some things I generally lean on (walks, yoga, tea) but nothing organized. I think this will help.

        Liked by 1 person

      • shehidbehindtheglass · December 19

        Good luck, you’ll do great! 😁

        Liked by 1 person

  4. erinkwillis · December 19

    Consider this misstep as part of your journey. I did six months sober a couple of years ago and and then did the stupid thing which was to think I could drink again. But I don’t really think I believed last time that it was forever. So I went back to my old ways, almost daily drinking at least a bottle of wine. But now I know it has to be forever or it will not work. I’m grateful for that time I had sober, and I’m also grateful for the time I wasn’t sober because now I know. And now you know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 19

      I’m glad I’m not the only one that fell off after 6 months. I don’t think I believed it was forever last time, too. I loved it and yet I struggled with it. I think I felt like because I struggled with it, it wasn’t working? Lots to uncover right? Thank you for your words.

      Like

  5. ainsobriety · December 19

    The truth can set you free.
    You know now what doesn’t work…which is awesome because now you can do what does!!

    I tried to make drinking work for a long time too. But the weekend binges definitely clouded the weekdays. And I hated everything.

    Welcome back to freedom! I’m happy you are walking the path with me!

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 19

      Oh Anne. 🙂 I’m so glad to see your face and glad to be back on the same path with you. It’s encouraging to see others are sticking to it and that it can be done. xo

      Liked by 1 person

  6. nursinggrudgesandliquor · December 20

    I tried a lot of ways to moderate but nothing really worked. I’d drink like a normal (is it REALLY normal to drink every night though?) having just one drink at night for a couple of weeks and then always accidentally get shit faced again. The accidentally part was disturbing. Like I didn’t have an off switch. I feel sure I had to have flirted with alcohol poisoning a few times. Hey, sometimes it takes a while to tell yourself the truth. Now that you know where you are, you can make a choice about which way to go.

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 20

      That was me this last Saturday. I’m pretty sure I gave myself alcohol poisoning or something close to it. It’s scary that there’s such a chemical balancing act with alcohol. Even then it’s an unpredictable outcome. I appreciate your support. Thank you.

      Like

  7. nursinggrudgesandliquor · December 20

    The puking and the crying and the wondering WHY did I do this again…I do not miss that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 21

      I can’t wait til it’s a distant memory. Although, it would be nice if I could put that feeling in a box and open it up every now and then as a reminder. Wouldn’t that be nice?

      Like

  8. moderndaygirlsober · January 16

    Reblogged this on modern day girl sober and commented:
    This is exactly me and how I’m feeling today and where I’m at. I couldn’t put into better words than this, so I will share this ok expression of how I’m feeling today

    Like

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