Sleeping on it.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. My mind raced with ideas of what sober me would to today. I was going to get up early and clean the downstairs, organize a closet, start work a little early, be showered and ready for the day (I work from home so that’s a real feat in and of itself) and blog. I’d like to write every day for a while even if it’s meaningless jibber. Before I knew it was past midnight and I was realizing that my morning energy would be nil if I didn’t get to sleep soon. I somehow managed to fall asleep. I tossed and turned a bit throughout the night. My alarm went off excessively early and I hit my snooze. Actually, I turned it off completely and woke up later than I wanted. Not late, but not early enough to tackle my grandiose list. As I sit here with my coffee I wonder why it was important to try and do so much outside of what I normally do. Am I trying to prove sobriety is better? Am I trying to prove that sober me is much more productive, energetic, and organized? Is the side of me that sleeps in, hits the snooze, rolls out of bed haphazardly and shuffles around a snails pace unacceptable? Or only acceptable when I’ve been drinking?

I did this last time I quit. I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to be better. Recreate a different persona. One that was far removed from the me that drank alcohol. I think this time around I’m going to take it easier on myself which isn’t easy for me. I do want to relax into this and see what person emerges. Not who I think should emerge, but who truly emerges. Maybe it’ll be the same ol me that sleeps in and is totally disorganized. Maybe that’s okay.

 

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8 comments

  1. I Quit Wineing · December 20

    Yes, I understand what you are saying. I try not to put too much pressure on myself. I have been here so many times before. Written post telling others how wonderful I was feeling only to fall off the wagon the next day. I think it is best to take one moment at a time, rejoicing in the sobriety that is happening right now. One day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 20

      It really helps to know I’m not the only one. I was feeling pretty silly but it’s comforting to know it’s a normal. Thank you. šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. okayishness blog · December 20

    I definitely put a lot of pressure on myself in early sobriety. I think it’s very normal. And for me, one of the biggest lessons in sobriety is learning how to take those unproductive days and forgive myself for them. I’ve tried really hard to avoid berating myself, or telling myself that I’m not making any progress if I have a setback. There’s a certain calmness that I’ve found in sobriety these days that helps me feel more at ease with the days that don’t go as planned.

    Though, early sobriety is tricky, and it’s hard to not feel down sometimes. I’d say, try to make healing your body and mind your #1 priority. It should be close to the top of your to-do list for a while. Let yourself take a breath. Sleep when you can. Things will definitely get easier šŸ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 20

      I’m so glad I’m not alone on this. Thank you!

      Like

    • truthbetold1111 · December 21

      Thank you! I’m really taking in all the support. It’s so helpful. I want this to be a life change, not something I just tried for a while.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. girl undrunk · December 20

    Girl, me too on all of the above! I’m learning it’s ok to be human and I was never made to be a “god”. I have put so much pressure on myself since I was born! It’s exhausting. I would never expect anyone to live up to the expectations I place on myself but there go I….

    I’m really trying to avoid overwhelm. It’s a huge trigger for me because it leads into the “this is too hard” crappy thinking. “This is too hard” is a huge warning sign that I’m gonna give up and drink. Keep writing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • truthbetold1111 · December 21

      Sooo true! Making it hard is setting yourself up for failure. That can really be applied to a lot of things. Exercise, diet, etc. Hm. I’ll have to keep an eye out for that thought process. Is it really too hard or am I making it too hard?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. onebottleoneglass · December 22

    I had a friend that recently told me she was going to get sober, quit smoking, and start exercising. I told her to scrap the other 2 things, and just quit drinking. That’s IT, and that is all you have to do. Don’t reinvent yourself today, because you don’t know who you are without alcohol! Take it easy, and take it slow, because you don’t want to overwhelm yourself. Celebrate the little wins, and make plans for the future, after you’ve gotten some time under your belt with this VERY BIG THING. You can lose weight, quit smoking, save the world etc later, but you probably won’t do anything if you slip back down into a bottle, so just focus on that right now, it’s enough!

    Liked by 1 person

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