Cool Surfer Looking Chick

I’ve been obsessed with getting my hair cut for the last week. I can’t get it off my mind. I imagine this cute, choppy bob. I envision my whole persona changing with this haircut. No longer will I be the girl with the long brown hair that fits in with every other girl with long brown hair. Oh no, I will become the cool surfer looking chick that is a little bold but still sweet. Somewhere between radical and totally peaceful. I imagine I’ll need a new wardrobe with this change because what I wear today won’t do. You can’t wear normal everyday clothes with this haircut. Oh no, I’ll need clothes that also scream “cool surfer looking chick”. I don’t know how to achieve that look so I google it. After extensive research I determine my new style is Boho. I’m going to need some long dresses even though I hate dresses. I’ll just have to suck it up if I’m going to achieve my new look. I’ll also have to invest in a lot of silver jewelry. This will be tricky because I’m allergic to metals. Maybe I can invest in Benadryl cream and lather it on prior to putting on my jewelry?

I’m laying on the couch watching a fantastic movie and find I can’t stop thinking about my hair. I start to notice how many times I’ve drifted and thought about this new haircut and style. It’s a lot. Too much to count. I realize that for a week this has consumed my thoughts. 24-7. I’ve even had dreams about it. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. It dawns on me that this has been a cycle my entire life. I obsess, I cut my hair, I buy new clothes. I end up never wearing the clothes because they’re not my style and I hate me with short hair. I spend a year or more pining for long hair and grow it all out. The once it’s successfully grown out, I obsess about cutting it and it starts all over again.  Is this a mental illness? Am I okay? How have I gone this far in life and never questioned this pattern?

I don’t want to answer those last two questions. I know I’m working on being okay. I’m not going to cut my hair. I’m not going to color my hair. This obsession is tied to self sabotage. The same self sabotage that kept me drinking for so long. The best course of action here is to just stay. In a moment of stillness I close my eyes and think about what I really want. I want to stop trying to change into something I’m not. I love my long brown hair. I love my yoga pants and sweatshirts. I don’t want to cut my hair. I don’t want to wear dresses. Jewelry is pretty but it’s always felt heavy on me. I am kinda plain but on the inside I’m radiant. I don’t stand out but I don’t want to either. I’ve never been comfortable with a lot of attention. I prefer the shady spot under the tree to the limelight. This feels good guys. Identifying who I am today and feeling warmth towards that person. I feel a tugging of love for myself that’s never been there before. Each time I imagine me as me, and loving me as me with no pressure to be anything but me, my heart feels warm with love. I’m cool yoga pants & sweatshirt, long brown hair in a messy bun chick that loves to laugh and enjoy the simple things in life. Ya, I’m going to stay right here and enjoy this.

 

 

 

Advertisements

9 comments

  1. ainsobriety · January 8

    That is some serious self awareness.
    I’m also a yoga pants wearing, allergic to metal, normal girl.

    One thing I have found that boosts me is having my hair blow dried. My hair is long and frizzy curly. Getting it blow dried makes it look pretty and I feel good. Dry shampoo is my best friend. I go every week. It’s worth every penny.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. suburbanbetty · January 8

    Good call! I’ve cut and grown my hair zillions of times. I followed Jennifer Anniston’s hair for 10 years straight during Friends. I was blond, then red, then blond, then a lovely color I like to call Cinnamon Taupe, then mahogany, now back to blond (actual hair is horrifying brown, not nice like I’m sure yours is.) But that’s me, that literally is who I am- frequent hair-changer. You should stick with who you are too, good job seeing that before you boho’d out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hurrahforcoffee · January 8

    Yes, yoga pants are awesome! You dont need to change a thing about yourself you are lovely and ‘enough’ just the way you are. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. okayishness blog · January 8

    This is a wonderful piece of self reflection. I can identity with this 100%! My hair has always been a source of mini-rebellion for me. These days, I am learning the patience to grow it out and let it be. Same with my heart and mind. I no longer feel the constant need to cut and run when things start feeling to familiar. It’s so nice to be getting out of that mindset, finally.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. moderndaygirlsober · January 8

    I love this. I love your writing, I resonate with it so much (I guess that means I resonate with you, huh). I’ve chopped my hair into bobs a few times, googled how to get those *beachy waves* a million times and bought every hair tool out here and product to achieve the looks lol. My Instagram will prove that 😼. It consumes me 24/7 sometimes when I get a thought about hair in my head, I totally get it. Yoga pants… the best 🙌🏼

    Liked by 1 person

  6. HealthyJenn · January 9

    I can relate to this…I’ve cut my hair short, grown it very long, dyed it red a few times too…for me it’s usually some attempt to fix how I’m feeling inside by changing my appearance…or I see a commercial with a thin, young carefree woman who looks like she has it all…so I say “I want that haircut”… anyway yoga pants sound awesome. Be true to you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. shehidbehindtheglass · January 9

    Love this self-reflective post. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Paul S · January 18

    This post made me smile. It really did. Self-acceptance – what a buzz!

    I understand the need to change things up all the time. It wasn’t my hair, but it was tons of other things. Kept trying to change the externals hoping to fix the internal. Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic kind of thing. But the real deal is on the inside. And when THAT changes, amazing what happens on the outside.

    Great post – loved it.

    Paul

    P.S I love yoga pants. I never do yoga, but I wear them ALL year round. I ride my bike in the winter in them. I am wearing them now. Best. Invention. Ever.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s