I’ve been obsessed with getting my hair cut for the last week. I can’t get it off my mind. I imagine this cute, choppy bob. I envision my whole persona changing with this haircut. No longer will I be the girl with the long brown hair that fits in with every other girl with long brown hair. Oh no, I will become the cool surfer looking chick that is a little bold but still sweet. Somewhere between radical and totally peaceful. I imagine I’ll need a new wardrobe with this change because what I wear today won’t do. You can’t wear normal everyday clothes with this haircut. Oh no, I’ll need clothes that also scream “cool surfer looking chick”. I don’t know how to achieve that look so I google it. After extensive research I determine my new style is Boho. I’m going to need some long dresses even though I hate dresses. I’ll just have to suck it up if I’m going to achieve my new look. I’ll also have to invest in a lot of silver jewelry. This will be tricky because I’m allergic to metals. Maybe I can invest in Benadryl cream and lather it on prior to putting on my jewelry?
I’m laying on the couch watching a fantastic movie and find I can’t stop thinking about my hair. I start to notice how many times I’ve drifted and thought about this new haircut and style. It’s a lot. Too much to count. I realize that for a week this has consumed my thoughts. 24-7. I’ve even had dreams about it. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. It dawns on me that this has been a cycle my entire life. I obsess, I cut my hair, I buy new clothes. I end up never wearing the clothes because they’re not my style and I hate me with short hair. I spend a year or more pining for long hair and grow it all out. The once it’s successfully grown out, I obsess about cutting it and it starts all over again. Is this a mental illness? Am I okay? How have I gone this far in life and never questioned this pattern?
I don’t want to answer those last two questions. I know I’m working on being okay. I’m not going to cut my hair. I’m not going to color my hair. This obsession is tied to self sabotage. The same self sabotage that kept me drinking for so long. The best course of action here is to just stay. In a moment of stillness I close my eyes and think about what I really want. I want to stop trying to change into something I’m not. I love my long brown hair. I love my yoga pants and sweatshirts. I don’t want to cut my hair. I don’t want to wear dresses. Jewelry is pretty but it’s always felt heavy on me. I am kinda plain but on the inside I’m radiant. I don’t stand out but I don’t want to either. I’ve never been comfortable with a lot of attention. I prefer the shady spot under the tree to the limelight. This feels good guys. Identifying who I am today and feeling warmth towards that person. I feel a tugging of love for myself that’s never been there before. Each time I imagine me as me, and loving me as me with no pressure to be anything but me, my heart feels warm with love. I’m cool yoga pants & sweatshirt, long brown hair in a messy bun chick that loves to laugh and enjoy the simple things in life. Ya, I’m going to stay right here and enjoy this.