Still sober.

I took a break from writing because I was getting depressed. Writing, in and of itself, wasn’t depressing. I just felt stuck. My thoughts were consumed with alcohol and being sober. I got so sick of it. Even though it was a positive change I found myself constantly making alcohol the center of my life. I think that’s natural, but being that this was my umpteenth time trying to get sober I was just done with it. I fell into a bad place where I was glad I was sober but I was mulling over each moment and proclaiming it wouldn’t be as vibrant and alive had I still been drinking. While that was true, it just felt like in a way I was keeping alcohol in my life. I liken it to bad break-up. Say I was married to Jim and we divorced. Ugly divorce. Would it help me to spend every day thinking of all the ways my life was better without Jim? Would that help prove I made the right decision? Or would it help me instead to start making a new life and allow the parallel of before/after Jim naturally occur?

I’ve been keeping myself busy with yoga, indoor cycling, walking and photography. The last time I was sober I used the money I saved to invest in a Nikon D3300 camera. It’s been fun to pick it back up and learn how to use the manual settings. I officially have 9 million black and white pictures of my dog. I’ve also taken a real liking to guided meditations by Tara Brach. https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/  It’s free. On her site you’ll find a variety of meditations ranging from 6-40 minutes. I don’t always stay awake for them. Especially if it’s right before bed. It is helping me sleep better though, and overall manage stress better.

Anyway, I’m learning to not take myself so seriously. I’m learning to laugh at myself. It’s just life after all.

Namaste.

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4 comments

  1. ainsobriety · March 29

    Cute dog!
    I think it takes a while of noting how much better things are than they would be to actually acknowledge that it is true. Saying we have acceptance is easy. Actually accepting is not always so simple.

    I still notice things like this, but definitely less and less. For me, it is a simple way to remind myself my life is really good. And that sobriety is a precious commodity that I have! I definitely don’t live in fear I will lose it, I think that’s a tough way to live, but I do live in appreciation for what is.

    I don’t know if that makes sense…but for me the need to be happy about my choice sets the tone for my day.

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • truthbetold1111 · March 29

      Oh for sure! It was really more of an early phase of quitting. I felt frustrated. I was pointing out all the same things in sobriety as the times before. I felt like the little boy that cried wolf. I didn’t even believe me. I was just going through the motions. Now that I’m safely beyond that I’m discovering new things to be excited about. But those are more welcome surprises and have a new, exciting feel to them.
      I’m sure glad you’re a sober steward! I know it helped me a lot to think of people like you that just did it and found happiness. And now I’m one of them. 🤗

      Like

  2. Paul S · March 29

    I get this! I had to move that past, and finally accept that is was OVER. And I knew it already when I got into recovery, but I had to keep practising this for a while until it stuck. And from that moment, I was able to get free of it. The lurking notions were not for me. I like your analogy of the breakup – time to move on!

    I too have been playing around with my manual settings. We went to Australia a couple of weeks ago, and I bought a book on how to use the settings and what they meant. For years I used my DSLR without knowing the full capacity! So I too took tons of photos of basic things. It was fun!

    Anyway, enjoy what is in front of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. truthbetold1111 · March 30

    I struggled with the who, what, when, where, why and how of sobriety for a long time. I felt more like I was being pushed into sobriety than entering into in voluntarily. Even though nobody was pushing me into it, my body and soul sure was. There were a lot of “no fair” moments in there for me. Moving past all that into acceptance is quite peaceful. I allow myself to not have all the answers. All I know is I’m sober and that’s really the only question that needs answering.

    Regarding your DSLR, you should check out FroKnowsPhoto. http://froknowsphoto.com/ You can also find him on youtube. Just search for FroKnowsPhoto or Jared Polin. He offers fantastic tips on how to get out of auto and other neat things. Cool guy with a fro that makes it easy to understand how it all works. 🙂

    Like

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