I’m a binge drinker. Day 2.

There, I said it. As tears well up in my eyes I am overwhelmed with feelings of disappointment, grief, resentment, and I’m sure I could explain my feelings better if this brain of mine wasn’t fogged over from a wretched hangover. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ve been lying with my writing. Lying to myself. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I want to start this all fresh. No more lies. No more trying to be something I not. I know where I want to be. I know who I want to be. Today, though, I’m starting with being nobody and working myself out from there. That’s what I need to do. I did do 6 months of sobriety.  The space between then and now grows with each passing day. It hurts. I went from being a daily drinker, to a non drinker, to a binge drinker on the weekends. I told myself I could have it both ways. I could be good all week, take care of myself, and then let it all hang out on the weekends. Letting it all hang out means spending time drinking while longing for sobriety, writing notes to myself about how this isn’t working and I don’t enjoy it. Nursing hangovers on Sunday and wishing I was taking full advantage of my weekends and not tossing them away in a bottle. It feels so bipolar. Friday night I was totally sober and had my 7 year old niece over for her very first sleepover. It was so much fun. Saturday I started drinking and didn’t stop. I spent yesterday curled up in ball and still feel like I want to lay around not move. When did I become such a lush? I read in someone’s blog recently that when you go back to drinking you don’t start over. You pick up where you left off. That’s exactly what I’ve done. I went from being someone who drank a “controlled” amount every night for years to someone who is sober all week and gets bombed on the weekends. I used to hate being drunk. Now I spend my weekends in hazy stupor and I’m not enjoying it one bit. I’ve come to realize that drinking daily is simply not an option. Binge drinking like this is totally out of the question. I can’t keep on. It’s fair to say I’m officially tried every way to possible to fit drinking into my life and it’s not working. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t. The mental game alone is exhausting.

So I give. Here I am. Day two. It feels like day zero because I swear I’m still hungover from Saturday. Gross. I need this blog. I need to write. I need to be honest and raw. And I need you. Whoever  you are. My other friends that are on this journey. Sobriety can be such a wonderfully lonely place. I’m hoping I can do it again, only with more truth, more vulnerability, and more balance. I want it more than anything.

 

~ With Humbleness and Humility

 

My eyes were leaking and so were yours.

I’m a facts kind of a gal. I like to dig into the who, what, how, where, when and why about everything from the food I eat to the reason green clashes with my skin tone. For the life of me, I find it nearly impossible to find any articles on sobriety that tote the true health benefits of it and how. *Cough* Big alcohol strikes again.

Ya, sure, okay there are Cosmo and Elle articles that say you shouldn’t drink a bottle of wine a night because your waistline will grow. I’m not talking about those. I mean articles that are easy to read and understand that explain why people are so much happier and prettier sober. Not medical journals from http://www.ifyoupassedchemistryyoumightunderstandthis.com. Just easy to read articles on why. So, my friends, I have taken little pieces here and there that I have found along the way and complied them for you here. Let’s start with the vain stuff since we’re all vain at heart. “You’re so vain. I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you? Don’t youuuuu?”.

Q: Why are the whites of my eyes so bright? Visine can’t even touch this.

Alcohol dilates the small veins in your eyes causing them to leak. It also inflames the hell out of blood vessels in your eyes so they expand and are easier for everyone to see. I don’t know about you guys, but leaky eye balls should be on the warning label of every alcohol container.

Q: Why is my skin tone so much more even?

Alcohol makes it so that your poor brain loses control over its ability to regulate vascular function. It basically says “I can’t worry about your blood flow right know, I need to get this poison out of your blood”. Next thing you know, you have a rush of blood hit your face and neck and you look like a lovely red tomato. Who doesn’t like that look? *Raises hand* I don’t.

Why was my face so fat when I drank? My head looked ten times bigger than my body.

Your body knows when you’re dehydrated. When you show signs of dehydration your body makes it so you don’t pee. It wants to hold on to all the fluid it can, right? Well, alcohol not only makes it so that your body can’t tell if you’re dehydrated but it also makes you pee…a lot. As a result, the tissues in your face swell as they beg for mercy. Voila! Fat face.

Alright folks, that’s it for this evening. Rest well knowing your eyes are no longer leaking, your blood is flowing at it’s maximum potential, and the tissues in your face are soft and peaceful.

~ Namaste bitches!

 

 

 

 

 

Life is like underwear. Change is good.

Q. Why does a codependent buy two copies of every self-help book?

A: One to read and one to pass on to someone who really needs it.

Q. What does a codependent have in common with God?

A. They both have a plan for your life.

In one of my last posts I wrote:  I feel like I’m just unraveling everywhere. I’m thankful to be sober and at the same time I have this thought “Since you can’t change anything for 7-8 months you can just drink until then.”

Well, I did unravel everywhere. Full out mental breakdown. Then it hit me. I don’t have to wait 7-8 months. I can change now. My husband and I had a heart to heart and both felt we were ready for a wholesale change immediately. So we moved. We’re in a new state, in a new home. It’s very peaceful here. Sobriety feels different here. It’s calming. I mean, it always was a good thing but so often I felt like I was pressing up against something unnatural. I assumed it was being sober that was awkward but it was really the struggle to normalize my extremely dysfunctional circumstances. I know I’m being vague but if I detailed my life here I’d have to write a novel. Long story short: I compromised my own happiness because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do in order to be a good person.  I got the idea in my head that being selfish was bad, and that thinking of myself first was bad. I gave and gave until I didn’t have any more to give. My giving lead to enabling. Enabling lead to resentment. Resentment lead to a horrible attitude about giving anything to anybody. I found myself in corner wanting nothing more than to be left alone. My lesson learned is that giving is good as long as it’s not taking away from me. I still have some loose ends back home that I need to tidy up but I feel that’s best done from a distance. And at this stage in my life, if it feels best for me then that’s what I’m going to do. I trust me enough to know that my wants and desires are not unreasonable, neither are my ‘don’t wants and don’t desires’.

So with that friends, here I am. I have sobriety and peace in my heart. I can’t think of anything much better than that. For anyone struggling with co-dependency I highly recommend the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. If you don’t know what codependency is just Google it. I firmly believe this book changed my way of thinking and possibly saved my life.

I will be trying out the local yoga studio here in hopes to make some new friends. Oh, and my twin brother and niece, who was also born on our birthday, live in this area. It’s been a joy to see them. I’ll be dressing up as Slimer for Halloween since my niece wants to be a Ghostbuster. My brother will be the State Marshmallow Puff. I’ll be sure to post a pic for you guys!

~ Namaste Bitches 🙂

 

 

 

 

Nerves, weird stuff, and AA

It’s time. I’m going to an AA meeting tonight. A few things happened to bring me to this point. To start it’s just been on my mind for a while. But, my total mental breakdown and the realization that I have detachment/escape issues helped me understand that I really need support in staying sober and re-learning how to cope. I dropped my coping mechanism. And while I’ve found great benefit in yoga it’s not helping me cope. It’s helping me escape in a way because I can totally disappear from my life for 90 minutes a day. That’s fine as long as I’m dealing with stuff outside the yoga room and I’m just not. The other day I was in yoga, laying on my mat (like you do) and I thought to my higher power that I feel really alone in my sobriety. I have support thankfully from friends and family but nobody I know is sober. Right after that, I mean RIGHT after, the instructor said “I’m an alcoholic and this yoga has helped me learn the importance of self love and taking care of myself.” Woah. After class we were talking about it and she said, “I’ve never said that out loud before. I don’t know what made me say it. I guess maybe just the intimacy of the room at that moment.” Double woah.

Yesterday, before class I was talking to a different instructor and she started talking about how she’s been dating this guy for a while who’s on the same plane with her on how to cope with life and look inward, etc. I hadn’t said a word about my sobriety journey or that I was in the throws of a breakdown. And she said “He’s an alcoholic. He’s been sober for 13 years and still attends AA meetings.” She went on to say that she was never much of a drinker but he’s had an influence on her, and that she’s been surprised to find that a lot of yogis in the community are sober. So random.

So, here I am all bundled up with nerves and definitely going to take that step to the 12 step tonight. I am very nervous. What if I’m not alcoholic enough, do you know what I mean? I have no idea what to expect. People are people at the end of the day. Will I be accepted? What if they ask me questions? I’m not good on the spot at all. It takes me 12 light years to process a question and answer it. I’m sweating. Or lord, I’m sweating. Okay. Whew, breathe. I’m going to go for a walk and get some air. Wish me luck guys!!

 

 

 

 

Scared. Fear. Scary fear.

Okay, so the thing about sobriety is you see clearly how many years you spend with your head in the sand and the consequence of that action. I’m currently in a situation that I can’t change for another 7-8 months. At that time we’ll be selling our home and moving (thank god) but until then, this is it. I am really struggling with this and that is super hard for me to admit because I’m used to being the one that encourages everyone to keep one foot in front of the other. Lately though, I feel like I’m just unraveling everywhere. I’m thankful to be sober and at the same time I have this thought “Since you can’t change anything for 7-8 months you can just drink until then.” But that’s not what I want. Yoga has become my haven and I’m thankful for that too. I am scared though. Scared of these feelings. Scared I’ll just pick up and run. Scared I’ll give up and just start drinking and taking pills. Scared I’ll run and leave everyone behind and end up alone with nothing. I’ve done that in the past. I’ve ran so much and ended up so alone. I’m loaded with fear.  Fear. Fear. Fear. I don’t even know who I am in this new skin but I know I don’t like where I am. Ironically, the only thing I have going for me right now is my sobriety. Or at least that’s what this all feels like. Then I worry that I’m being militant about this. I’m trying too hard to push through, be positive, and hang on. This kind of tension leads to breaks. And I feel like I’m having a total breakdown. My fear typically manifests into rage and self destruction. I’m want so much to try loving through this hard time. Self love. Love for others. Or at least just be comfortable being. And yet I feel so detached from myself and everyone around me that it’s scary. It’s like my default reaction is kicking in and I’m trying to fight against my own nature to escape. I know I’m blaming everyone around me for this mess. Everyone should be pulling their weight and doing their part. If they had we wouldn’t be in this mess. It can’t just be me. I feel it. That self righteous feeling. That “it’s not fair” point of view that oddly enough angers me when I see it in others.

This stuff is hard and real. I much prefer to keep things light and funny. But it’s not possible to be that way all the time. Maybe I just need to accept that. Yin and Yang. Life. Ugh. I’ll be okay. I needed to get that off my chest and see it, read it. It helps.

 

 

 

 

Yep …

 

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I came across this cartoon and seriously can’t stop laughing at it. It’s so relatable I can’t even  handle it. The little dog is even smile while drinking coffee. I mean, c’mon! That’s me. In the middle of my own fire-ey hell that I’ve created but it’s fine because I’m sober. I have a cool hat, a smile and a cup of coffee. It’s fine. It’s fine. It REALLY IS totally fine.

I’m sure I’ll figure out what to do with this fire eventually. *sips coffee*

 

 

 

The side effects of sobriety

You THINK you know but you have no idea. If you’re new to sobriety or thinking about it, you’ve likely read a lot about what to expect. It runs the gamete from withdrawals to relationships. But here are some side effects of sobriety that they DON’T tell you about. Mhm. Hang on to your pants. Shits about to get real.

Clean towels – I honestly thought my towels were old and smelly and needed to be replaced. Turns out they just needed to be washed – on a regular basis.

Coffee, eggs, TP, water – always in stock. No more waking up at 3am wondering if chugging seltzer water is worth it since you’re out of drinking water because you raced home to  start drinking – screw the grocery store and life necessities!

You no longer argue with your spouse about A) not stopping at the store on the way home to get alcohol (I thought YOU were doing it), or B) not getting enough alcohol from the store. No more running out of booze at 7:30pm and being pissed off because you can’t drive to get more and now your night is ruined! Oh, the dramatics. Ya, thankfully you can kiss that goodbye.

Dishes are always done. No more making dinner, getting tanked, looking at the mess and leaving it for your hangover’d ass in the morning.

No more flies. What? See above. A clean sink and counters means less flies. True story.

Car is always clean. No more cream cheese smeared on the steering wheel from racing to work (late again) with a bagel in a hand.

Dog is happier. He doesn’t look at you like “Get your shit together, will you? I need a walk for crying out loud.”

Plants are alive and well. They aren’t half wilted wishing for complete death. No more faint cries for “Kavorochian” coming from your plants. In fact, your home now looks like a green house. You’re officially “the crazy plant lady”.

If you’re like me you started eating sugar again and you have the farts to prove it.

If you’re like me you started adding fresh veggies to your diet and you have the farts to prove it.

You’ll have less back and forth emails with co-workers because you now make sense. One and one baby. One. And. Done.

You can probably have caffeine again. Turns out your coffee jitters were daily withdrawals from booze.

You’re losing weight even though you’re not working out. This is because A) you’re up earlier and getting more done B) you’re getting more stuff done after work. C) you’re not mowwing down on greasy food at midnight. Side note: you may still be eating nachos before bed, like me, but it’s doesn’t count because you’re not drinking and your body knows it. BAM.

You drink way less water because you’re now sufficiently hydrated all the time. No more empty water bottles laying around every place you dwell.

You know where your phone, keys, and glasses are.

Your now the “go to” person for your boss because it appears you’re working harder than you ever have in your life and are getting a shitload done. Oddly enough, you’re not even trying.

You’re a morning person. Yes, even on weekends. And you love it.

 

~ Namaste Bitches!

 

Un-F*ck Yourself

The initial shitty part of sobriety is the realization of just how fucked up your life has become. The WONDERFUL thing about sobriety is that you have the clarity to un-fuck yourself. Isn’t that great?

~ Namaste Bitches  😉

“You put the work in, don’t worry about the praise, my love
Don’t try to change the world, find something that you love
And do it every day
Do that for the rest of your life
And eventually, the world will change” – Macklemore

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You know you’re an alcoholic when…

I read an article recently that talks about how alcohol hits the brain. Whether you’ve had one drink or one hundred, it hits the same spot and releases the same thing – endorphins. It stands to reason then that an alcoholic can be someone who has one drink a day but HAS to have it. Or someone that has one hundred drinks a day and HAS to have it. When it comes to clean, pure addiction it’s all the same. Same junkie knocking on the door looking for a hit.Obviously, the toll it takes on your body is worse if you drink more (just ask your liver). Although, I have to say that the shit that was going  sideways with my body has rectified itself since I quit. So who knows? Lord knows the alcohol industry doesn’t want us “normal” drinkers thinking it’s a bad thing. They’ll pay anything to make sure no testing is done and certainly nothing will come up in a Google search. Anyywayyyy….

I bring this up because I wouldn’t classify myself as having been a heavy drinker. I honestly went into sobriety thinking “No prob. I only have a few glasses of wine a night so I definitely got this.” And it’s, um….well, let’s just say I was wrong and at times it’s had me totally baffled. Looking back I can see how naïve I was. I went from probably the age of 19-40 having a few drinks a night. No nights off. It was just my way of relaxing (*cough* escaping). In a way, I may have even been classified a “normie”. I don’t have anything I can point to and say it drove me to stop. I just felt like shit. I was depressed, sad, lonely, every part of my body hurt (which I accepted as normal) and wanted more out of life. I figured hell, I’ll give this up and see what happens. While the benefits have been great the addictive part is one I have to acknowledge daily. Crazy, huh? I’ve been fighting labeling myself alcoholic because that seemed reserved for the image of the person the alcohol industry has forced down our throats. But I dunno guys. I think I’m okay with saying to myself that I have an addiction. It’ll probably even help me get through the next phase of whatever phase I’m in. Makes sense. It wouldn’t be the first addiction I’ve battled in my life. But it’ll be another I can say I conquered. And that’s pretty rad no matter how you label it.

~ Namaste Bitches

 

 

 

 

 

So, I’m pretty much famous

 

Okay, I clearly have no idea how to size and add photos properly. But honestly, who cares. Check this out! I have been in slump ever since I had my relapse and chucked 6 months of sobriety out the window. I said I wasn’t going to let me get it down, and in a way that’s true. True in the sense that I wasn’t going to let it stop me from getting back on track. But it did hurt. Ugh. And totally sucks having to go through withdraws, resetting expectations with family and friends, reset my sober clock,  yada yada. Anywho….I’m baaaackkk. My mojo is flowing. I feel good. THIS is the moment I have been waiting for. To be reconnected with the genuine, happy me. Not trying to force anything but just being. Ah, feels so good. Okay, so here’s the deal. When I quit drinking I replaced my evening wine time with yoga. I go from 6:30-8 M-Thur. My feeling is if I was able to make time for wine and do absolutely nothing then I can make time for yoga and get my shit together. It’s paid off in spades. One of my instructors took this picture of me in class and afterwards I told her my back story about this pose. Welp, she posted it on FB the other day and now it’s had 7  – S E V E N –  shares. One by Thug Yoga whose FB page and products I absolutely adore. Their products and posts are hysterical and should check them out if you want a good laugh – even if you don’t do yoga. Here I am sober friends. Doing my thang and feeling amazing. This is affirmation that those 6 months weren’t chucked out the window. A solid, concrete reminder that a lot of progress had been made even if I had a slip up. One of these days I will post about the inflammatory effects of alcohol. But for now….it’s like an angel heard my cries and sent this to dry my eyes. It’s a beautiful thing. Untitled

Namaste bitches!